Lightning In A Bottle - My first running diary - 1st Half

After sitting back and reading my Bears/Packers running diary I realize that I'm still bascially giving you guys a play-by-play account for the most part. What I have been trying to do is replicate this running diary of last year's Bears/Cardinals Monday Night Game. So for anyone who was wondering what I was trying to accomplish with last night's blog.....this is the template I was trying to follow.

**Written on October 16, 2006**


So here we go…

My Bears are 5-0 and making their return to Monday Night Football to take on the disappointing 1-4 Arizona Cardinals in the brand spanking new University of Phoenix Stadium. Espn.com’s Bill Simmons does this kind of thing for Page 2 where he keeps a running diary of the events as they are taking place. I only hope that this column will be as entertaining as the ones I’ve seen him do. Anyway, my Bears are only favored by about a hundred points against the underachieving Cards. I hope things go as they are supposed to and that I can post this column unedited without outlandish criticism and foul language that would no doubt be taking place. Kickoff is moments away so let’s get to it.

7:15 – Just got off of the phone with Ryan Simmons talking about the Cubs’ hiring of Lou Pinella. He is flat out excited about the hiring; I’m excited because hiring Pinella means that the Cubs are going to be major players in the off-season to give Pinella a team that can win in 2007.

(Long pause…)

Oh god. Monday Night Countdown is doing a piece on Matt Leinart and they started it off with that ridiculous runway footage that they kept showing during the NFL draft where they have Leinart dressed as Neo from the Matrix. I will be thrilled if this is the last time that I have to see this tonight….or any other night for that matter.

7:19 – Rachel Nichols is hot, knows her sports and is a red head….I think I’m in love.

7:20 – Its official, I’m going to start an online petition to put an end to the “Mayne Event.” Trying to watch football players act is painful. These guys aren’t actors for a reason. I feel sorry for all of them because I know that they are trying but it’s just….it needs to stop. I’m counting on your support.

7:30 – Mike Ditka is narrating the opening where he is talking about the greatness of his ’85 team and the dominance displayed thus far by this year’s team. Like most Chicagoans, I am in love with Da Coach and will listen intently when he is talking, especially when he is talking about the Bears. He’s wearing his Super Bowl XX ring and everything…..awesome, I’m officially ready for some football.

7:35 – Tony Kornheiser blew me away with his opening remarks while talking about the Bears and their rich history in the NFL. He also made the great point that things always seem to be a bit more exciting in the NFL when the Bears are on top.

7:38 – I’m a huge Matt Leinart fan. I really hope he does well in his career. I get the feeling he could be the next great quarterback in the NFL…..but he’s playing the Bears tonight so I hope he dies like a dog whenever possible.

7:40 – I was hoping that Monday Night Football leaving ABC would also mean that I had seen the last of Hank Williams Jr. Unfortunately this did not happen. And to add insult to injury he has assembled a host of other aging rockers no one cares about to join in torturing me. Can we please do something about this?

7:42 – First play is an incomplete bomb intended for Bernard Berrian. The clock is officially running on how long it will take for Kornheiser to tell us that he has Berrian on his fantasy team…..any second now. (Sigh) Three and out…it’ll happen, count on it.

7:53 – Arizona drives the length of the field looking like the team everyone thought they were going to be. 12 plays, 77 yards. Leinart was five for five and Edge ran with confidence. This could be interesting. But they started out fast against the Chiefs last week and lost, so I’m not going to get worried just yet.

7:59 – Arizona has dropped their second “gimme” interception of the quarter. Grossman is trying to hit a home run with every throw. People are forgetting that this is also Rex Grossman’s first Monday Night appearance as well and he’s playing like it right now. Let’s hope he’ll snap out of it and get back to the play that earned him NFC Offensive Player of the Month in September.

8:04 – Leinart makes his first mistake by throwing a pick instead of throwing it away while he was under pressure….it ended up getting overturned but mistakes like that will kill the Cardinals as the game goes along.

8:09 – Does anyone else think that Arizona punter Scott Player is nuts for wearing the single bar facemask? He doesn’t even wear it across his face. It hangs low like a pair of baggy pants on a teenager. Maybe he should rent out his cheeks of his forehead to goldenpalace.com like pro boxers do. I’m sure Commissioner Goddell would support that.

8:15 – Wonderful. Grossman throws a bad pass that does get picked off and the offensive players show why they play offense with some of the poorest tackling ever.

8:18 - The defense appears to be pissed. Two Edgerrin James runs equal -1 yard…..scratch that. Boldin weaves his way into the endzone on 3rd and 11. Cardinals 14, Bears 0, still in the first quarter. The Bears are in uncharted territory right now and I am quietly starting to freak out. Thank god I’m here alone tonight, cause if they keep playing like this there might be some furniture moving around here.

8:22 – Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore are in attendance tonight (still gotta give him props for pulling that one off). Not a lot of people know that Kutcher is a huge Bears fan. He, of course, looks bummed out because his team (and mine) are down 14-0. Demi on the other hand is playing with her phone and could appear to care less. Boy, I’ve been there. I’m dying inside while my team is losing and my girlfriend can’t quite figure out why I care so much. And they always say the same thing don’t they (join in guys, you all know the words) “It’s just a game.” Women.

8:25 – We start the second quarter and each team’s roles have been reversed. The Cardinals are looking ferocious and aggressive on defense and the Bears look confused and inferior. Grossman doesn’t appear to have a clue what is going on and I’m starting to feel nauseas.

8:30 – As the Bears get their first three and out of the night on defense they announce that Charles Barkley is coming to the booth….this could get interesting. I hate that ESPN feels the need to do this “guest in the booth” thing, I just don’t see the point. But it is Charles Barkley and he’s always good for a few priceless quotes. Hopefully he’ll hook me up.

8:32 – Another pick for Grossman…my father will be calling any second now I can feel it. Cover up your ears kids this could get ugly.

(Phone rings…)

8:36 - I was wrong. It was my buddy Fritz. He’s confused and thinks that the Bears have been kidnapped and replaced with a high school team.

8:37 – I really love the whole “This is Sportscenter” ad campaign. I saw one where the Manning family was taking a tour of Bristol where Archie was up front while Peyton and Eli are fighting with each other in the back. They were flicking each other’s ears and doing wet willies. When Archie looks back they knock it off and point at each other. Hilarious.

8:38 – Neil Rackers helps the Bears out by missing a 52 yard field goal.

8:39 – Thank you God! Charles Barkley says he would have punched T.O. in the head if he was his teammate. The funny thing (or not so funny) is that I really believe him. Can we get these two in room together? Cause I think Barkley might just punch him in the head anyway. He doesn’t come across as a guy who would put up with any kind of nonsense.

8:41 – I like Thomas Jones; he’s a good football player. But I would love him if he would just run instead of trying to juke everyone all of the time. He caught a pass on third and five about two yards short of the marker and instead of lowering his head and driving for the first down, he tries to put a move on the DB and gets tackled right where he caught it. He looks like he is waiting for the defenders to make some over exaggerated reach for him after he makes his move like they do in the Hollywood football movies and it just isn’t happening for him. And thanks to the lack of movie magic taking place in Arizona right now the Bears are three and out….again.

8:48 – Bertrand Berry sacks and strips the ball from Grossman. Arizona’s got the short field. If they score again, this one is over….and that stupid couch is going out the window….alright, maybe the love seat will go first.

8:54 – Rackers makes the field goal attempt from 41 yards out. 4:15 to go in the half and Arizona is up 17-0. Damn this, I hate watching my team lose.

8:56 – Someone please tell me why the hell Jay-Z’s new music video is going to debut on ESPN? But wait, that makes perfect sense right? Cause when I think Monday Night Football (home to Hank Williams Jr. and the Next In Line For a Toe Tag Band), I think Jay-Z.

8:59 – Grossman fumbles again (he’s carrying the ball way too low) and the Bears lose the ball again. That’s four turnovers in the first half which the Bears never did even when they were bad. Something about the Bears on Monday night, it’s never been pretty. 2-Minute warning has the Cardinals first and ten inside the fifteen yard line.

9:01 – Who else is going to make it to the theatres this weekend to see The Prestige? That movie looks really good.

9:06 – Rackers adds another field goal, this time from 28 yards out, to send it to the half 20-0. I’m not gonna watch halftime because I’ll be in the bathroom vomiting and cursing.